Handling Bullsh!@: Controlling Anger as A Good Man

We’ve been taught either directly or through watching the world around us that nice guys get shit on. It seems like, in some circles, there is a game of out-douching other people so that we don’t get the bad end of the stick. Yet, this negative on negative (neg. + neg.) thinking only contributes to the problem and perpetuates the issue turning you from a nice guy into a total douche. Alright, let’s refine the language a little…from a nice guy into someone who contributes to the negative aspects of humanity through outbursts of anger rather than lifting others up. It isn’t always the easiest thing to do but Aiming for the highest level of character through kindness will always get you farther than giving into the games and stooping to the level of others. Kindness does not, however, equate to rolling over and letting people walk all over you, let’s discuss.

Here I’m giving you a three step plan to help guide you into a more positive framework that will have long-lasting effects of making you the nice guy and making the other person look like an even worse person. 

1. Self-Reflection: How, when, why you react

A key component of emotional maturity is understanding why we feel the way we do. Are we reacting because of Anger? Fear? Threat? Or, is your reaction tied to a socially or culturally conditioned response? 

Anger, Fear, Threat

There are two types of emotions that we feel, a primary and a secondary. Primary emotions can often be muffled and quiet while the secondary emotion, like Anger, takes over. Anger can be helpful and defensive against deeper feelings like threat, fear, and hurt, turning those feelings of vulnerability into hot buttons. Many other emotions go into this “tip of an Iceburg” as Gabrielle Ilagan, M.A. at ManhattanCBT.com refers to it. Understanding just this much about anger can help us get to the root of the problem being addressed by our anger which can then lead us to having power over those emotions and deciding consciously on how to (re)act. 

At the risk of triggering some anger right now, I want to ask you; in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter that someone “stole your spot” in the parking lot? I can already imagine some nostrils flaring up at the mention of this, but, does it really matter? Is the anger produced because this person took a spot that is not actually yours at all, despite having your blinker on and obviously being a nice guy to let the other person pull out without feeling pressured. Or is it because it was rude, meaning that it is a social snub at you? Is it because that person essentially devalued your wants and needs in that moment which directly threatens you and your well-being? I’m going to base my bets on the latter option. But notice how now we have a way to talk about the anger we’re experiencing in the moment. Then, with a lot of practice, we can take a breath, realize that it isn’t that big of a deal because you don’t know this person and they have no material effect on your life. When you allow anger to become the overwhelming emotion that gives more credence to the threat and makes it real, ultimately meaning you gave over some of your own personal power to that individual. The threat became real because you reacted to it. The worst part of this is knowing, now, that you gave them that power. 

Personal power is more than waking up in the morning and maintaining difficult but helpful routines in our lives, it’s also about choosing who we give portions of that power to. For me, I’m not going to give that person any power over me and let them affect the way my day is going. The way I do it might be different from what works for you, but now that we’ve meditated a bit on why we respond the way we do, let’s talk about how to control our reactions to ensure we don’t actually get the raw end of the stick but also don’t become insensible raging maniacs at the same time. By the way, there must be at least one other spot that you can maneuver to. You still get what you want, maybe just not in the time you wanted. 

2. Learn to Breathe or to take a beat

Counting. Many people use the counting technique where they will count down from five or count up to five before they react. Others may just take a nice deep breath. Either way what this does is it puts time between the action and the reaction giving you time to take back control over how you’re going to react to the situation. This takes some practice so start small at home with the little things that annoy you on a day to day basis. This will have a long and lasting impact on your own sense of calm when at home and beyond, but start there. Did your kids leave a mess in the kitchen? Breathe and/or count to five. Did your sister just change the channel you were watching? Breathe and/or count to five. Did someone leave the milk on the counter? Breathe or count to five. 

Once you take that moment, acknowledge the primary emotion you’re feeling and then put the scenario that’s causing a reaction in you into the larger picture. Frame it within the larger scheme of things.

3. Frame it. Keep your eyes on the goal.

In the grand scheme of things, how negatively does this affect you? What outcome are you hoping for with your reaction? Kids left a mess… will anger fix the problem? Or, would a stern voice with clear directives help to ensure a positive result that aligns with your end goal? Your sister changed the channel? Okay, consider too if maybe she was purposefully trying to get a reaction out of you and then consider, does she maybe want my attention or want to go and do something? Get out of the house? Why does she want my attention right now?

The point is to see beyond this moment and understand what YOUR end goal is for the day and how the moment fits into it. That being said, not all situations are going to be this easy. One scenario I quickly think of is when someone is genuinely threatening you because they feel threatened by you. 

True threats

Knowing how to control how you react strongly to situations will also help you in situations where you probably should be angry. Sadly, the out-douching goes well beyond parking spots and line cutters, it seeps into the very fabric of our livelihoods and may be in the form of actual sabotage. 

It won’t matter if you are no longer playing the game of out-douching others as others will be playing that game and in some instances you will want to get angry and anger might be the most appropriate action. I think for instance of a coworker snubbing you because you are indeed a threat to them and they want you out of the race.  Well now, that’s something different but still requires that cooler heads prevail. Anger used strategically will reinforce the passion you have for the promotion or the job. It has to be controlled and delivered appropriately. So no, your anger shouldn’t be given full reign to scare and threaten others, but because of all of the work you’ve put into your emotional intelligence, you now have command over your anger and how to use it for your benefit. 

Keep in mind anger does not equate physical or verbal violence. It is instead that urge and desire to ensure you’re not taken out by someone else and oftentimes will be aided by you being an overall kind guy. Being a good person who treats their work and others with dignity radiates just as much as being a person who seeks negative paths to victory. If your boss chooses to reinforce a negative approach then it is time for you to consider whether you want to continue working for that person. 

Personal power is about having control over our attitudes, our emotions, and the ways we show up in the world. Be the person who practices building up that power so that when the time is right you can use it wisely and responsibly. Always remember to acknowledge your emotions, take a breath, and consider the scenario in the grand scheme of things and what you want to get out of it in order to tame the anger or explosive outbursts and be an even greater nice guy.